Thursday, July 31, 2008


So me and christina went to qdoba today.
Probably thee best mexican food you will ever eat.
Plus I havent been there since the begining of summer.
So it felt even more special, because I had waited soo long.
We had a very interesting talk.
But thats not suprising because everytime you hang out with christina we have AWESOME talks.
She is turely awesome and if anyone ever wants to just talk...christina is the one girl i can def go to.
So we are sitting there eating our queso burrito, which we split,
[those things are as big as new born babies.]
But anyway, we are sitting there and talking about school and how we finally have our own little group. [thefam<3]
Like it is awesome being around people who you can totally be yourself around and they dont judge you. They get you. No need for explainations here.
Then we started talking about how none of us have boyfriends.
and if we did if it would change things.
Like seriously if i had a boyfriend, would i still be able to hang with thefam<3? go to shows and hang with the bands? Who are older guys?
pssht ya right!
my boyfriend would totally be jel.
and judge me and question me and not trust me.
which just creates stress right?
ughhh soo am I wrong about this whole wanting a boyfriend thing with my lifestyle?
I'm so confused.
I want to be going to shows forever and ever.
tay and me already decided we are gonna be still going to shows when we are 40 years old.
We are gonna be the crazy old women that kids cant help but stare at.

this week i just watched video blogs of my favorite bands.
They still act like kids. It's awesome. I want that.

But they also dont have kids, family or a real steady job.

Which brought me and christina to our next topic.
Do I really want kids?
well for today i decided no, i dont. ha

They are just gonna slow me down.
Plus we dont want to turn out like our moms.
Cranky and Stressed all the time.
They dont have time for fun anymore, its always work work work.

I have to be in the music business some how.
I feel like its in my blood.
But i mean if i find the right guy, i could settle down and have a family? maybe...

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

dedicated to my favorite band

Nothing I seem to write is enough, worthy, or up to par.
But I write anyway.
Thats what you do to me.
You say a "thank you" is all you want.
but I owe you my life.
Writing this seems silly because you boys deserve a name more worthy than gold.

I may stray off into liking other bands.
But I know good music because of you.
You started it all.
And I could never forget you becuase
I see you in a little bit of eveything I like.

No matter where you go next, I will follow.
No matter what kind of music you write, I will listen.
No matter who you date or marry, I will be happy for you.
I am happy because you are happy.
That is love.

We care about you,
we are grateful.
And get happiness just from hearing your music.
Your way of words and beats gives us hope.
Music is only thing that gives hope for free these days.

So I guess I'll just say it.

Music is the only thing I will ever believe in
It can never be taken away
It will never not exsist.
It gives us "dead end" teenagers something to believe in when everyone else has let us down.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

So I woke up at 2:31pm
And to my suprise my sister was already home.
She was at timberlee [a christian camp or something].
So I showered and stuff and then went say hi to her.
She had this white hat on with a Big "W" printed on the front.
The first thing I said was, "Whos hat is that"
She was on her computer so I hadnt seen her face yet.
But as soon as she lifted her face to greet mine, I knew she had met a boy.
She couldnt stop smiling and talking about this boy she had met.
I am happy for her.
Just because she is probably the nicest person left in this world.
She deserved to meet someone...i guess.

I teared up a little when she was telling me "Their story".
Just because I missed that feeling.
The feeling of unending happiness.
Wondering if this could be love.
I was really happy for her don't get me wrong.
It was just sad to see everyone getting a shot at love but me.
Is it that hard for me to find a guy that takes interest in me just as much I am into him?
My 13 year old sister meeting someone this summer before me, makes me feel frustrated.
He is from WI so its not like this little fling is going anywhere.
But still she meet someone who made her feel, special, loved, and happy.

She told me he was from WI.
Someone from out of state.
I think its this stupid town that keeps me lonely.
So It 4:03 am
and I'm really upset.
Upset to say that I have lost contact with some of my closest friends.
Even though they don't listen to the same bands as me or interested in the same boys as me.
They were always my friends first.
They judged me but still loved me for being different.
Some even showed interest in some of the obsessions I have and I pushed them away because of it.
My eyes sting from crying, just to think that I did this.
I distanced myself from them.
Some were there for me through the hardest times in my life.
Like my parents divorce. 
They never hesitated once to ask me how i was doing or if i needed someone to talk to.
I miss them soo much. And cannot thank them enough for being there for me. <3
To know that they have forgotten about me and have moved on with their lives, it's like a knife to the gut.
I call them. text them. and I get nothing in return.
Things like that keep me up at night. 
Makes me ache in places i didn't know i had feeling in.
I thought I'd be friends with these people forever. 
But this one summer really has changed me.
and now I'm starting to wonder if its for the better

A couple of days ago i attempted to hang with an old friend.
I coulnt connect with her.
It was like we were both 2 different people with no common ground.
We were on thin ice and I fell straight threw. 

It is whenever I'm getting really comfortable with something, it gets taken from me.
Without even a warning
I never would have seen this coming. 

Like right now. I'm crashing.
My cousin hates me.
My friends want nothing to do with me.
And its almost half way through summer and no guy has taken one interest in me. 

Maybe I'm just going crazy, because I never sleep.
this life style sucks.

going to bed at 5 and waking up at 3 cant be good for anyone...

Friday, July 18, 2008

If there is anything I have learned my whole 17 years of life,
It is that life is unfair. Now this isn't going to be some blog complaining about my life. But this unfairness just gives us a reason to be emotional in a world that doesn't feel. In a World that just turns the other cheek and prays to god some one else will become aware. We are the kids who were born dead ends, but would rather ignore the warning signs. We are the kids who have been built up for false expectations. There is no such thing as falling in love like the movies. Love isnt easy. Its no walk in the park. For me it is harder to just say I like someone, let alone tell someone "I Love You" I'd rather die then fall vulnerable. We are the kids who have been let down time and time again. "Everyone's a let down it just depends on how far down they can go." Our mind just runs wild and builds up people to where we want to see them. But in reality we are all only human, we all bleed the same. Our closest friends can turn into our worst enemies in minutes. Hate to kill it darling, but they were supposed to betray you all along. We just weren't mature enough to see it. We meet people for a reason. We take a little bit of them with us everywhere. Everyone has problems it just depends on how they wear them. Some people wear them at night, in the dark, where no one can see them. Others wear them on their sleeve and hope that someone takes their nervous hand. I want to be that light at the end of the tunnel. I want to be that song that gives hope. I want to be that safe ride home. I want to be that seat belt that was created with one purpose, to provide security I want you to call me out me I say I don't believe in love. I want someone who believes in their self just as much as I believe in them.

we would take drives and get all the greens
telling us to get away from this scene not once ever thinking this was how we used to be your my false expectation your my prince with the tragic ending your a bad line in a movie that the girls always falls for And most of all your a cliche thats not wanted its hard to run when you have my heart so can you give it back, because that's where it belongs not in your hand or mouth to abuse. Just hand it here, there are plenty others to choose. I hope you like your picture facing down because I didnt have the nerve to burn it...yet Those blue eyes just remind me too much of the sky that was outside of my room you probably wont ever know but this is dedicated to you the one who made me strong and to know when to call it through so thanks, you make my mistakes worthwhile thank you.

you make me want to run away to chicago
and get lost in the citie's lights I dont ever want to be found...out the lights are soo bright that you cant see my flaws better yet you cant see me all we need to worry about is that we know we are here for eachother lets run away to escape from the standards that we will never measure up to even though most of them come from inside lets forget about those who have made us feel pain we never knew we could feel parts inside of us that we never knew could ache or be broken or put back together just to be shredded up again. lets escape from those hopeful thoughts that you will show up at my window cause we both know that will never happen lets not pretend we are fine and wear our hearts on our sleeves showing all our scars so people can judge us by that instead of all the cover up we wear on top lets remove the patches lets unstich the seems lets spill out our guts and dont hold any back becuase after all, we are humans we all bleed the same. i'm ready for change, are you?