2 days left...

2 days left of the most amazing summer of my life. really.
no summer has ever been more eventful and uneventful at the same time.
-sorry if that doesnt make sense- but i understand
This summer i have achieved almost everything i have been building up for.
I have a feeling the relationships i made this summer are going to be relationships worth working at and keeping.
If I met myself a year ago of how i am know, id be soo fucking jealous.
Just with how i dress, what music i listen to and, the people i hang out with.
I seriously made a huge transformation.
Shout out to all the band kids [ or men haha] ive met this year. whether they realize it or not they have made me a happier person.


I went to a bonfire at a friends house tonight.
I hung out with some of my guys friends who i havent seen ALL summer.
And sure at first they were like "Woah where have you been all summer"
but then in minutes we were back to picking on eachotherand bringing up old jokes.
i missed them soo much.
Its nice to know that we are close enough where we can be apart but then as soon as we get together its like no time passed at all. =]

So earlier today i was at my grandmas house for dinner.
It was gabrielles last dinner with the fam before leaving for SLU.
And When she said bye to me, i teared up.
In that moment i realized that she was really leaving.
My cousin, best friend. gone. 500 miles away.
Someone who was there for me in the worst times.
The girl who knew exactly how to pick me up when i was down.
She is someone i will always turn to for advice.
We connected on another level this year.
With kairos and issues going on at home.
And I know I'm going to see her one more time on tuesday.
but still i feel like crying.
I never have been apart from her.
It is going to be really tough being without her in my senior year of high school. =[

AH ITS MY SENIOR YEAR...
HOLLY SHEEEEEET duuuude dlsfsdkjfhskjdfhksjdfhkjsdf
I think i am feeling every emotion possible for this year.
I'm mostly stressed.
[probably how im going to be feeling till i die.]
good thing this summmer was soo laid back....it was def a last.

well anyway tay came over today at like 1130pm
and we talked about how we are the only reason why we are excited for high school
This will maybe be the last year of school we will ever have together?!?!
WTF that looks soo weird looking at.
I cant even imagine not having her around everyday....
She is such an inspiration and awesome person that I wish I could be half as deep and intelligent as her.
she really is the best friend anyone could as for.
So hopefully we will stay besties forever and never have to imagine not being friends.
Cause honestly, i dont think i would make it in this twisted world. <3

But tomorrow should be awesome.
bringing my freshmen neighbor in to show her around fremd.
I remember how nervous I was so I def want to help her out.
then back to school shopping with tay. always a fun adventure! =]
Then off to the the Beach with the FAM!
our last night of summer together.
hopefully i dont cry.
Ive been tearing up really easily lately..GREAT.
I'm gonna be a mess on tuesday.[school on wednesday]
not gonna think about it....


alright well im going 2*sleep! ;]
haaaaaaaa

Tomorrow..

So its been 364 days since the best day of my life, ever..
so there is this little tour going on across the country.
you may have heard of it.
Kids save up months and months before they go, just to buy their fav bands shirts, posters nad any other shit bands are willing to sell us.
50 plus bands come out and play for kids [die hard fans] in 100 degree weather...
their living conditions for the whole summer...not something i could do.
not being able to shower or eat good meals...dangg
Well its called,
Vans [Fucking ]WARPED TOUR!
AH and its tomorrow!!! less then 24 hours away.....
sdjfhksdjhfksjdhfkjsdhfkjshdfkjshdkfjshdk Gahhh

all my favorite bands in one place...DREAm COmE TruE <33
plus you cant walk around the place without seeing thee coolest people. thee HOTTEST people
Dunks, v-necks, sweet hair and skinny jeans, we are gonna hit the "scenebox" FOSH.
oh and I will be with all my favorite people [dan&tay]..minus my twinnys i will miss them greatly. =[
but lemme tell you..WE ARE GONNA LOOK HOTT.

[last year was a fucking joke.. i dont even wanna remember how i dressed.] haa

but anyway i'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight.
im leaving at 8am.
il probs be up at 6am haha
stuffing myself with food and wa wa.
i really dont wanna pass out in the 94 degree weather
or spend money on food and stuff..gahhh

ok im too excited and jumbled to write anything more


=]

futures?

So me and christina went to qdoba today.
Probably thee best mexican food you will ever eat.
Plus I havent been there since the begining of summer.
So it felt even more special, because I had waited soo long.
We had a very interesting talk.
But thats not suprising because everytime you hang out with christina we have AWESOME talks.
She is turely awesome and if anyone ever wants to just talk...christina is the one girl i can def go to.
So we are sitting there eating our queso burrito, which we split,
[those things are as big as new born babies.]
But anyway, we are sitting there and talking about school and how we finally have our own little group. [thefam<3]
Like it is awesome being around people who you can totally be yourself around and they dont judge you. They get you. No need for explainations here.
Then we started talking about how none of us have boyfriends.
and if we did if it would change things.
Like seriously if i had a boyfriend, would i still be able to hang with thefam<3? go to shows and hang with the bands? Who are older guys?
pssht ya right!
my boyfriend would totally be jel.
and judge me and question me and not trust me.
which just creates stress right?
ughhh soo am I wrong about this whole wanting a boyfriend thing with my lifestyle?
I'm so confused.
I want to be going to shows forever and ever.
tay and me already decided we are gonna be still going to shows when we are 40 years old.
We are gonna be the crazy old women that kids cant help but stare at.
I NEVER WANT TO GROW UP. IT SCARES ME.

this week i just watched video blogs of my favorite bands.
They still act like kids. It's awesome. I want that.

But they also dont have kids, family or a real steady job.

Which brought me and christina to our next topic.
Do I really want kids?
well for today i decided no, i dont. ha

They are just gonna slow me down.
Plus we dont want to turn out like our moms.
Cranky and Stressed all the time.
They dont have time for fun anymore, its always work work work.

I have to be in the music business some how.
I feel like its in my blood.
But i mean if i find the right guy, i could settle down and have a family? maybe...
Gah.

dedicated to my favorite band

Nothing I seem to write is enough, worthy, or up to par.
But I write anyway.
Thats what you do to me.
You say a "thank you" is all you want.
but I owe you my life.
Writing this seems silly because you boys deserve a name more worthy than gold.

I may stray off into liking other bands.
But I know good music because of you.
You started it all.
And I could never forget you becuase
I see you in a little bit of eveything I like.

No matter where you go next, I will follow.
No matter what kind of music you write, I will listen.
No matter who you date or marry, I will be happy for you.
I am happy because you are happy.
That is love.

We care about you,
and
we are grateful.
And get happiness just from hearing your music.
Your way of words and beats gives us hope.
Music is only thing that gives hope for free these days.

So I guess I'll just say it.
THANK YOU.

Music is the only thing I will ever believe in
It can never be taken away
It will never not exsist.
It gives us "dead end" teenagers something to believe in when everyone else has let us down.

So I woke up at 2:31pm
And to my suprise my sister was already home.
She was at timberlee [a christian camp or something].
So I showered and stuff and then went say hi to her.
She had this white hat on with a Big "W" printed on the front.
The first thing I said was, "Whos hat is that"
She was on her computer so I hadnt seen her face yet.
But as soon as she lifted her face to greet mine, I knew she had met a boy.
She couldnt stop smiling and talking about this boy she had met.
I am happy for her.
Just because she is probably the nicest person left in this world.
She deserved to meet someone...i guess.

I teared up a little when she was telling me "Their story".
Just because I missed that feeling.
The feeling of unending happiness.
Wondering if this could be love.
I was really happy for her don't get me wrong.
It was just sad to see everyone getting a shot at love but me.
Is it that hard for me to find a guy that takes interest in me just as much I am into him?
My 13 year old sister meeting someone this summer before me, makes me feel frustrated.
He is from WI so its not like this little fling is going anywhere.
But still she meet someone who made her feel, special, loved, and happy.

She told me he was from WI.
OF COURSE.
Someone from out of state.
I think its this stupid town that keeps me lonely.

So It 4:03 am

and I'm really upset.

Upset to say that I have lost contact with some of my closest friends.

Even though they don't listen to the same bands as me or interested in the same boys as me.

They were always my friends first.

They judged me but still loved me for being different.

Some even showed interest in some of the obsessions I have and I pushed them away because of it.

My eyes sting from crying, just to think that I did this.

I distanced myself from them.

Some were there for me through the hardest times in my life.

Like my parents divorce. 

They never hesitated once to ask me how i was doing or if i needed someone to talk to.

I miss them soo much. And cannot thank them enough for being there for me. <3

To know that they have forgotten about me and have moved on with their lives, it's like a knife to the gut.

I call them. text them. and I get nothing in return.

Things like that keep me up at night. 

Makes me ache in places i didn't know i had feeling in.

I thought I'd be friends with these people forever. 

But this one summer really has changed me.

and now I'm starting to wonder if its for the better

A couple of days ago i attempted to hang with an old friend.

I coulnt connect with her.

It was like we were both 2 different people with no common ground.

We were on thin ice and I fell straight threw. 

It is whenever I'm getting really comfortable with something, it gets taken from me.

Without even a warning

I never would have seen this coming. 

Like right now. I'm crashing.

My cousin hates me.

My friends want nothing to do with me.

And its almost half way through summer and no guy has taken one interest in me. 

Maybe I'm just going crazy, because I never sleep.

this life style sucks.

going to bed at 5 and waking up at 3 cant be good for anyone...

If there is anything I have learned my whole 17 years of life, It is that life is unfair. Now this isn't going to be some blog complaining about my life. But this unfairness just gives us a reason to be emotional in a world that doesn't feel. In a World that just turns the other cheek and prays to god some one else will become aware. We are the kids who were born dead ends, but would rather ignore the warning signs. We are the kids who have been built up for false expectations. There is no such thing as falling in love like the movies. Love isnt easy. Its no walk in the park. For me it is harder to just say I like someone, let alone tell someone "I Love You" I'd rather die then fall vulnerable. We are the kids who have been let down time and time again. "Everyone's a let down it just depends on how far down they can go." Our mind just runs wild and builds up people to where we want to see them. But in reality we are all only human, we all bleed the same. Our closest friends can turn into our worst enemies in minutes. Hate to kill it darling, but they were supposed to betray you all along. We just weren't mature enough to see it. We meet people for a reason. We take a little bit of them with us everywhere. Everyone has problems it just depends on how they wear them. Some people wear them at night, in the dark, where no one can see them. Others wear them on their sleeve and hope that someone takes their nervous hand. I want to be that light at the end of the tunnel. I want to be that song that gives hope. I want to be that safe ride home. I want to be that seat belt that was created with one purpose, to provide security I want you to call me out me I say I don't believe in love. I want someone who believes in their self just as much as I believe in them.